Pathetic Loser Seeks Same
Perhaps in the Early days of the Internet when people were fascinated by the Tech, Online Dating Sites had a certain Cache. People joined not because they couldn't find a date but because they wanted to see if the 'Computer' could match them better then Aunt Selma; "Have I got a girl for you!"
Dating Sites speak to the lonely, the pathetic, and the predator. And although there may be a few normal people scattered about giving it a 'try', these sites are crammed with Nigerian + Other Scammers, semi-homeless free-loaders, predators, mental cases, and those you would cross the street to escape.
But don't let me discourage you.
Dating Sites speak to the lonely, the pathetic, and the predator. And although there may be a few normal people scattered about giving it a 'try', these sites are crammed with Nigerian + Other Scammers, semi-homeless free-loaders, predators, mental cases, and those you would cross the street to escape.
But don't let me discourage you.
PROTECT YOUR SELF
The first thing to do is to create another user on your computer which joins the dating site. This means you will have to log out as You and log in as your Dater.
Besides having Psychological benefit, there is also the need to keep the entire online dating experience separate from who you are and what you do on the Internet.
Set yourself a particular time each day to log onto your Dating Account. Do not go to it first thing in the morning nor check it at lunch time. Give yourself two hours in the evening after you have done everything you need to do, (including cleaning the bathroom) before stepping into the realm.
The New Account
Create that new user account. Do whatever 'housekeeping' you wish, from wall paper to desktop icons. Use that New User to open a New Email Account. This is to keep messages from the Dating Site and your potential dates out of your real In Box and to create a persona which holds no real information about YOU.
EMail
What you want is one of those no information Email addresses. There should be nothing in that Account which even remotely connects to You. Not your real name, not your real address, nothing. You do not want messages from the Dating Sites filling your real account.
Instant Messenger
If you want to use an Instant Messenger, you use one which in no way connects to your real account; this prevents the unpleasant pop-ups while your Non-Dating self is trying to finish that report.
Picture
Just as you can use that image of your cousin Leeane when she was Prom Queen, so too can your potential date use an image of 'Scott Grant' (a male model). Be a bit chary of putting up your real closeup or that sexy snap. Better a cute puppy to start, you can always change your photo later, if there is a later.
How Much Truth?
Don't spill your guts. Be vague; divorced father of two grown sons is about the extent of personal information. Only scammers go for the tsunami of attributes;
Professional Man in his thirties, never been married,
owns own home in upscale community, loves sailing,
travel, gourmet food, interested in marriage...
Yeah, right.
And he'd be on a dating site?
The real person would be a bit less 'dazzling' aware that this profile virtually screams "Golddiggers Wanted!"
Besides having Psychological benefit, there is also the need to keep the entire online dating experience separate from who you are and what you do on the Internet.
Set yourself a particular time each day to log onto your Dating Account. Do not go to it first thing in the morning nor check it at lunch time. Give yourself two hours in the evening after you have done everything you need to do, (including cleaning the bathroom) before stepping into the realm.
The New Account
Create that new user account. Do whatever 'housekeeping' you wish, from wall paper to desktop icons. Use that New User to open a New Email Account. This is to keep messages from the Dating Site and your potential dates out of your real In Box and to create a persona which holds no real information about YOU.
What you want is one of those no information Email addresses. There should be nothing in that Account which even remotely connects to You. Not your real name, not your real address, nothing. You do not want messages from the Dating Sites filling your real account.
Instant Messenger
If you want to use an Instant Messenger, you use one which in no way connects to your real account; this prevents the unpleasant pop-ups while your Non-Dating self is trying to finish that report.
Picture
Just as you can use that image of your cousin Leeane when she was Prom Queen, so too can your potential date use an image of 'Scott Grant' (a male model). Be a bit chary of putting up your real closeup or that sexy snap. Better a cute puppy to start, you can always change your photo later, if there is a later.
How Much Truth?
Don't spill your guts. Be vague; divorced father of two grown sons is about the extent of personal information. Only scammers go for the tsunami of attributes;
Professional Man in his thirties, never been married,
owns own home in upscale community, loves sailing,
travel, gourmet food, interested in marriage...
Yeah, right.
And he'd be on a dating site?
The real person would be a bit less 'dazzling' aware that this profile virtually screams "Golddiggers Wanted!"
Selecting the Sites
Considering that you can have a miserable time for free, why pay for it? Try the free sites first if you are thinking of taking a mortgage to pay those sign-up fees.
Some sites give you a 'free trial' which makes you think that they have a townful of great matches. They probably don't.
The Questionnaire
All sites have what looks like a carefully concocted form to fill out which makes you actually believe that there are one million possibles in their data bank and that each answer you make is vital.
In truth, outside of sex/age/race requirements no matching really takes place. If you ask for a man, all the men in the data base are available. These are then sorted to bring the age into your range; i.e. 35 - 50 would drop out all those under thirty all those over 55. Race would now limit it further to your specifications.
And that is IT.
You can enter you hold a Ph.D. in chemistry and be matched with a Toll Booth Operator.
Do not fool yourself. 99.99% of all Dating sites do no greater Matching than described in the paragraph above. Yes, there may be some sites which really do have some kind of application that does a bit more matching, but for most, this is it.
Making Contact
You get a list of potentials. Some look better than others, some sound better than others. Remember, many of them are lying. Many have used photographs that are not theirs and may describe themselves (or imply) far more than they have. Take everything with a grain of salt about the size of a bathtub.
$$$$$$$
Avoid paying for the miserable time you might get Unless you truly trust the site, (and they have given you real belief that they can be trusted), keep your money in your pocket.
If you have been matched with persons who seem to fit your criterion; i.e. that Ph.D in Chemistry is matched with a Doctor then the site might have some relevance. But if matched with a Toll Booth Operator, don't even think of sending 1c.
Some sites give you a 'free trial' which makes you think that they have a townful of great matches. They probably don't.
The Questionnaire
All sites have what looks like a carefully concocted form to fill out which makes you actually believe that there are one million possibles in their data bank and that each answer you make is vital.
In truth, outside of sex/age/race requirements no matching really takes place. If you ask for a man, all the men in the data base are available. These are then sorted to bring the age into your range; i.e. 35 - 50 would drop out all those under thirty all those over 55. Race would now limit it further to your specifications.
And that is IT.
You can enter you hold a Ph.D. in chemistry and be matched with a Toll Booth Operator.
Do not fool yourself. 99.99% of all Dating sites do no greater Matching than described in the paragraph above. Yes, there may be some sites which really do have some kind of application that does a bit more matching, but for most, this is it.
Making Contact
You get a list of potentials. Some look better than others, some sound better than others. Remember, many of them are lying. Many have used photographs that are not theirs and may describe themselves (or imply) far more than they have. Take everything with a grain of salt about the size of a bathtub.
$$$$$$$
Avoid paying for the miserable time you might get Unless you truly trust the site, (and they have given you real belief that they can be trusted), keep your money in your pocket.
If you have been matched with persons who seem to fit your criterion; i.e. that Ph.D in Chemistry is matched with a Doctor then the site might have some relevance. But if matched with a Toll Booth Operator, don't even think of sending 1c.
Communicating with your Match
One of the things you need to be prepared for is rejection. You also need to be suspicious of instant connection.The first is safer as you have nothing to fear from someone who doesn't want you. S/he won't be asking for money, lying about what is owned, becoming a pest or predator.
Take rejection well. Understand that many rejections come from those who believe there is a townful of matches out there and that they are holding out for Miss World or Mr Universe.
Be very chary of that Instant Connection.
Remember you were not that specific about your status, yes, you answered much of the 'psychological' questions with truth, so perhaps this is what prompted the response, but it might be a scammer, so be a little careful.
Guided Communication
Often all communication is via the site. This keeps a bit of space between you and the potential. At least for a time. Ask questions that require some real revelation of the person on the other side of the screen. Take a subject that you feel strongly about, whether it is political, social, economic, religious, and don't telegraph the answer you want. Treat it like an essay question;
i.e. "Abortion is a Woman's Right, do you agree?"
What you expect is a cogent paragraph. People who can't write cogent paragraphs are either scammers or incapable of holding up their end of a conversation and are looking for a hook up.
EMail
This is where you get your first real view of who this person is.
The reason you created a different user with a unique email address is to protect yourself from the person who will write ten emails an hour. Examine the address. Scammers uses a phrase such as [email protected]. Be very alert to this.
Yes, you have created an email account, [email protected], so the person on the other side might be a bit chary as well. However, if your messages are answers to questions or actually discussions, you prove you are 'real'.
Scammers
Scammers, predators and other Must Avoids do not carry on real conversations. They send blanket emails to their possible marks and avoid responses they would need to remember.
The nineteen year old Nigerian, sitting in that Cybercafe in Lagos, does not have time to get into a long discussion about the situation in Egypt. He has claimed to be Scott Grant, a thirty three year old American from New Hampshire. He is looking for money. He needs you to buy into his fantasy world. He doesn't want to engage in conversation, he doesn't care what you think about anything, he wants you to say you are in love with him and will send him money.
A real person can spend hours in a back and forth, describing personal events; "Years ago, when I was involved in the AntiWar movement..." or getting into political debate.
A scammer has hundreds of 'fish' on the line and can't waste a keystroke discussing anything which does not focus on 1) Getting you to fall in love with Scott Grant, 2) Getting you to send him money.
The Predator
When you log onto your dating email account you might find ten or more messages from One Person. You might not have noticed this if you've combined your actual email with your dating email.
Logging on at 6 pm and seeing all that mail from one person means this is a predator. This is someone who is focused on you for some reason you don't need to find out.
Just seeing those messages should alert you to tread carefully, reading them is another trip.
If you've been in discussion about a topic and these emails are references to that topic, unless you said to him/her 'give me all possible links to ----' then you've met someone you are better off not knowing.
Most who send so many unanswered emails are more than desperate. S/he might be looking for an all expense paid vacation in your house. S/he may have some psychological disorder.
Respond to one of the emails in the most general terms, putting in something like; "I only get onto to the Internet once per day due to my very busy schedule."
If this is met with one response, something like; "You raised so many issues in our last correspondence that I needed to break them into separate items..." or something which seems sensible, respond. If it's another avalanche of email, continue to respond to only one item, again in the most general manner.
The reason you do this is because this might be a crazy person and you want to bore him/her so that s/he will bother someone else, you don't want to set them off. They'll stop writing to you eventually when they realise you are brain dead.
Instant Messenger
This is a must avoid, at least for the first few weeks. You need to know who this is before you get into real time. As you have created your Dating Persona and are using your Dating IM you will only be contactable at the times you have arranged.
This is protection for you. And you need it. You don't know if that person on the other side is real. By limiting contact you can reflect on who/what this person is. An email can be reread, Instant Messaging disappears. You need a record of your exchanges.
Further, there are those who will IM all day and half a night, demand your undivided attention, act as if they own you. This comes out clearly when you limit access. Those who are on Facebook all day, talking to six or seven people will not immediately notice that the 'Date' is demanding more attention than everyone else.
Don't rush into real time communication until you know whom you are talking to and Don't give out your Facebook page. You don't know if you want this person to be a 'friend'.
Remember, on Facebook one sees the friends of friends. You don't know if you want this stranger involved with your life. It is not a problem for the Predator to link with a friend of a friend and say; "I lost You's cell number...the second time! If I ask You again the implication is that I'm not interested. Can you give it to me?"
Take rejection well. Understand that many rejections come from those who believe there is a townful of matches out there and that they are holding out for Miss World or Mr Universe.
Be very chary of that Instant Connection.
Remember you were not that specific about your status, yes, you answered much of the 'psychological' questions with truth, so perhaps this is what prompted the response, but it might be a scammer, so be a little careful.
Guided Communication
Often all communication is via the site. This keeps a bit of space between you and the potential. At least for a time. Ask questions that require some real revelation of the person on the other side of the screen. Take a subject that you feel strongly about, whether it is political, social, economic, religious, and don't telegraph the answer you want. Treat it like an essay question;
i.e. "Abortion is a Woman's Right, do you agree?"
What you expect is a cogent paragraph. People who can't write cogent paragraphs are either scammers or incapable of holding up their end of a conversation and are looking for a hook up.
This is where you get your first real view of who this person is.
The reason you created a different user with a unique email address is to protect yourself from the person who will write ten emails an hour. Examine the address. Scammers uses a phrase such as [email protected]. Be very alert to this.
Yes, you have created an email account, [email protected], so the person on the other side might be a bit chary as well. However, if your messages are answers to questions or actually discussions, you prove you are 'real'.
Scammers
Scammers, predators and other Must Avoids do not carry on real conversations. They send blanket emails to their possible marks and avoid responses they would need to remember.
The nineteen year old Nigerian, sitting in that Cybercafe in Lagos, does not have time to get into a long discussion about the situation in Egypt. He has claimed to be Scott Grant, a thirty three year old American from New Hampshire. He is looking for money. He needs you to buy into his fantasy world. He doesn't want to engage in conversation, he doesn't care what you think about anything, he wants you to say you are in love with him and will send him money.
A real person can spend hours in a back and forth, describing personal events; "Years ago, when I was involved in the AntiWar movement..." or getting into political debate.
A scammer has hundreds of 'fish' on the line and can't waste a keystroke discussing anything which does not focus on 1) Getting you to fall in love with Scott Grant, 2) Getting you to send him money.
The Predator
When you log onto your dating email account you might find ten or more messages from One Person. You might not have noticed this if you've combined your actual email with your dating email.
Logging on at 6 pm and seeing all that mail from one person means this is a predator. This is someone who is focused on you for some reason you don't need to find out.
Just seeing those messages should alert you to tread carefully, reading them is another trip.
If you've been in discussion about a topic and these emails are references to that topic, unless you said to him/her 'give me all possible links to ----' then you've met someone you are better off not knowing.
Most who send so many unanswered emails are more than desperate. S/he might be looking for an all expense paid vacation in your house. S/he may have some psychological disorder.
Respond to one of the emails in the most general terms, putting in something like; "I only get onto to the Internet once per day due to my very busy schedule."
If this is met with one response, something like; "You raised so many issues in our last correspondence that I needed to break them into separate items..." or something which seems sensible, respond. If it's another avalanche of email, continue to respond to only one item, again in the most general manner.
The reason you do this is because this might be a crazy person and you want to bore him/her so that s/he will bother someone else, you don't want to set them off. They'll stop writing to you eventually when they realise you are brain dead.
Instant Messenger
This is a must avoid, at least for the first few weeks. You need to know who this is before you get into real time. As you have created your Dating Persona and are using your Dating IM you will only be contactable at the times you have arranged.
This is protection for you. And you need it. You don't know if that person on the other side is real. By limiting contact you can reflect on who/what this person is. An email can be reread, Instant Messaging disappears. You need a record of your exchanges.
Further, there are those who will IM all day and half a night, demand your undivided attention, act as if they own you. This comes out clearly when you limit access. Those who are on Facebook all day, talking to six or seven people will not immediately notice that the 'Date' is demanding more attention than everyone else.
Don't rush into real time communication until you know whom you are talking to and Don't give out your Facebook page. You don't know if you want this person to be a 'friend'.
Remember, on Facebook one sees the friends of friends. You don't know if you want this stranger involved with your life. It is not a problem for the Predator to link with a friend of a friend and say; "I lost You's cell number...the second time! If I ask You again the implication is that I'm not interested. Can you give it to me?"
The Meeting
Arrange to meet at a public venue during the day. If you are worried, take a friend with you. Do not pay airfare, trainfare, busfare, in any shape or size. Under no circumstances meet in a place where you will be absolutely dependent on him/her.
If s/he lives in your town or nearby, fine, meet at a match, a fair, a mall, anywhere there are people around. This is not just to prevent yourself from being robbed, raped, murdered, but to see how s/he responds to a public setting.
The guy/girl who complains about the waiter, the sun, the smell, the dog across the street, is not someone you want to know.
Their appearance might be terrifying; this is not whom you thought you were talking to on the Internet Meeting at a neutral location allows you to share a cup of coffee and go away.
If the person lives far enough that it would have to be a real trip to visit them, book into a hotel.
Set various activities; whether a tour, attendance at a lecture, anything so that the other person is not the only reason why you are there. Meeting at Disney World when you have your kids with you is ideal. The kids will prevent any hot and heavy and expose the attitude of your 'date'.
You need to know this person in a 'real' environment, not in the realms where you can be Jadzia Dax and he can be Worf.
If s/he lives in your town or nearby, fine, meet at a match, a fair, a mall, anywhere there are people around. This is not just to prevent yourself from being robbed, raped, murdered, but to see how s/he responds to a public setting.
The guy/girl who complains about the waiter, the sun, the smell, the dog across the street, is not someone you want to know.
Their appearance might be terrifying; this is not whom you thought you were talking to on the Internet Meeting at a neutral location allows you to share a cup of coffee and go away.
If the person lives far enough that it would have to be a real trip to visit them, book into a hotel.
Set various activities; whether a tour, attendance at a lecture, anything so that the other person is not the only reason why you are there. Meeting at Disney World when you have your kids with you is ideal. The kids will prevent any hot and heavy and expose the attitude of your 'date'.
You need to know this person in a 'real' environment, not in the realms where you can be Jadzia Dax and he can be Worf.
Now You Get It
The reason you created the New User become evident when you are beset by hundreds of emails from crazy people. If you hadn't done this, every time You turned on your computer it would be all Dating all the Time. You wouldn't get to answer an email from someone else, do your work, even play Scrabble. Your whole Cyberlife would be taken up by Dating.
The reason you limit the exposure of your real self for awhile is to get rid of the chaff. Get rid of the scammer, get rid of the predator, cull your 'possibles' to fairly normal people.
The reason you hold off on IM is to prevent your life being a set of pop up windows
The reason you select a meeting somewhere neutral is to insure you won't find this person banging on your door, stalking you, and can easily get away from him/her/it if you feel the need.
Yes, normal people do join dating sites for the same reason you do. But there are others who have more sinister reason. Protect yourself.
The reason you limit the exposure of your real self for awhile is to get rid of the chaff. Get rid of the scammer, get rid of the predator, cull your 'possibles' to fairly normal people.
The reason you hold off on IM is to prevent your life being a set of pop up windows
The reason you select a meeting somewhere neutral is to insure you won't find this person banging on your door, stalking you, and can easily get away from him/her/it if you feel the need.
Yes, normal people do join dating sites for the same reason you do. But there are others who have more sinister reason. Protect yourself.